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Tuesday, June 19th, 2001

Subject:NEW JOURNAL- NFGvegas7
Time:7:24 pm.
go to my new journal now, i will update this one too sometimes, but i want you all to go to my new journal!!!! but still i want you to read this one
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:i will always thank you
Time:10:11 am.
Mood: weird.
last night was cool. the whole riot thing was cool, but getting into the show would have been cooler. but when i came home i called kyle and told him, and then ande started to talk to me, and he said some of the nicest things to me, i am so happy he wants to be friends. he said "i am happy caz i am talking to you, and i now know things are going to work" that was great. there were so many other things that i could say but yeah..you guys dont care....
ME AND ORION HAVENT TALKED AT ALL. HIM AND KYLE WERE SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP AT MY HOME AT 4 OR SOMETHING.....DIDNT HAPPEN. INSTEAD I SAT AROUND AND WAITED, BUT THEN ANDE AND LOUIE SHOWED UP WE DROVE OVER TO MEGANS CAZ I DIDNT WANT TO BE AT HOME. BEING HOME DEPRESSES ME RIGHT NOW. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DONT HAVE NETHING TO SAY TO HIM, THATS WHY I AM NOT TALKING TO HIM. I DONT HAVE NETHING TO SAY TO NE1 BUT I AM TALKING TO ANDE CAZ HE MADE THE ATTEMPT OF CHECKING ON ME CAZ HE KNEW I WAS SAD. AND THEN MEGAN JUST ALWAYS COMFORTS ME, AND ALEX SHE HASNT BEEN AROUND BUT I KNOW SHE CARES AND SHE IS TRYING TO TALK TO ME, BUT I DONT WANT TO TALK MUCH ABOUT IT, ONLY IF I AM IN THE MOOD TO TALK. I JUST MISS HER, WISH THAT MY FAMILY DIDNT THINK IT WAS MY FAULT. I DIDNT KNOW I DIDNT THINK...I AM SORRY AGAIN....
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Subject:RIOT IN MILWAUKEE
Time:12:06 am.
you know, ande showed up at my home today to see if i was ok. he came out to here, way out to see me. and then we are talking right now and he is making me feel better. and i am just so happy to know someone cares right now. the only people i have actually talked to now are megAN. ANDE, and kyle a little. and alex a little. but i cant believe how nice ande is being to me, it makes my day just so much better to have someone that i dont normally get along with, be so nice. i have achieved my goal to get better with him. now i am proud.
THERE WAS A BIG RIOT IN MILWAUKEE THAT I AM PROUD TO HAVE BEEN A PART OF. I WILL WRITE ABOUT THAT TOMMORROW, tAtA
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Monday, June 18th, 2001

Subject:AHHHHHH
Time:3:12 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
EVERYTHING IS MESSED UP. I AM BEING BLAMED FOR IT ALL. I AM SICK OF EVERYTHING BEING MY FAULT. YESTERDAY MY AUNT DIED. AND SHE WANTED TO SEE ME, SHE WANTED TO SEE ME MORE THEN EVERYONE ELSE. AND I IGNORED IT, I BRUSHED IT ASIDE AS IF SHE WOULD GET BETTER. THEN SHE DIES. MY WHOLE FAMILY ON MY MOMS SIDE THINKS ITS MY FAULT, AFTER I SAID I DIDNT HAVE TIME SHE GAVE UP, SAID THERE WAS NO POINT IN HOLDING ON NEMORE. IM SO SORRY I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. I AM COLD HEARTED, I AM HORRIBLE. I AM SORRY. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO, I WANT TO FIX THINGS BUT SHES GONE, HOW CAN I FIX THAT??
NOW ORION HATES ME, KYLE HATES ME, ANE HATES ME, THEY ALL HATE ME, EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT IS BREATHING SHOULD HATE ME. BECAZ I AM NOT WORTH THEIR PAIN, I AM NOT WORTH NETHING THAT BOTHERS THEM. I AM NOT SPECIAL. I AM MESSED UP OK. I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES, I WARNED THEM ALL NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH ME, BUT THEY DONT CARE, I TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER AND I MAKE THEM WORSE. I AM GIVING UP, AND I AM NOT GOING TO TALK TO NE1 NEMORE.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:GREEN DAY- LIVING END CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!
Time:12:12 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
okay, today is going to be a good day hopefully. i am going to a concert tonight, i just have to find out more details, like the whole beer thing is confusing me......
MY MOM AND I TALKED AND WE ARE DOING GOOD I GUESS.
i went to visit my other aunt needie, the sister of the one that died. and shes really sad, but i am glad i got to visit her. once i get my liscense i will visit family more often. they all live so far away.
yeah me and ande ar better pretty much. he invited me to go painting with him yesterday, but i was busy.
i went for my job interview at ruffalos, and it went well. i have to call back on wednesday. thats strange, normally they call you.
i went out to dinner last night with orion and his parents, and sister. he got a motorized scooter thing for his B-day..its cool, he rode me home on it afterwards.
i want to go tanning again, but i cant caz it is yucky outside. grrrr..... i hope orion liked his present.
well not much to write, TaTa
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Sunday, June 17th, 2001

Subject:self centered
Time:3:15 pm.
Mood: sad.
i feel like shit. something is wrong with orion. i dont know what i did. im sorry if i hurt him in any way, i didnt intentionally. this whole day is sucking. i feel so bad, and i feel so small. today my aunt died. i feel so bad. i knew she was sick with cancer, but i figured it wasnt that bad, and they kept asking me to go visit her caz she wanted to see me. now my mom is saying i am cold hearted and i only care about myself, and dont give enough time for other people. this is horrible. she said that when my grandma died. i wanted to see her, this came out of nowhere. i wasnt expecting her to die from cancer, shes so young. god, i feel so bad, i cant even explain how bad i feel. im starting to wonder if this is the worse, or is there more to come. i bet there are ten more bad things that are going to happen today. just when i am told something i get a phone call saying my aunt is dead. that the cancer took to much out of her, and it wasnt even servere. i just wish i could go back in time and fix that, i would have gone to see her everyday if i knew this was to happen. I DO THIS ALL THE TIME. WHEN MY GRANDMA WAS SICK, I WENT TO SEE HER LIKE 20 TIMES, BUT SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR ONE YEAR, AND NURSING HOME FOR ONE. SO THERE SHOULD BE MORE TIMES THEN THAT. WHEN MY AUNT CLAIRE HAD CANCER I SAW HER THREE TIMES....SHE DIED ON CHRISTMAS,...ALONE.
now my mom has had cancer for a while, and i fight with her all the time. i am going to start being nice and respecting her. spendind more time with her. i love her, and if i lost her i would be so lost. i couldnt handle having only my dad, we get along, but he wouldnt love me as much as she does. i want to change it all.
well i hope everything between me and orion is okay. maybe i will try to talk to him....if i get up the courage to talk to ne1.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:happy birthday orion, and alex...and happy fathers day dad!!
Time:10:37 am.
Mood: contemplative.
well i am having a good time this summer actually. today i am going to lunch with my father, and then i am going to dinner with orion and his parents. yeah i went to the show last night, had fun until kyle pissed me off. he is a jerk, and is treating all of his other friends like shit. he did not have to freak out on me like he did becaz he dont know how to have fun. and then who else pissed me off, i will not say this time. ande gave me a ride home, he was actualy nice to me, i thought he was going to be mean to me. i feel bad for the things i have said about him, i know we fight alot, but i wish we didnt, he is a cool guy, and can be sooo sweet to me sometimes, and make me really happy when he says some things. but when he starts with the other things that dont make me happy they only make me more unhappy. ohwell
I AM GOING TO MY PSYCHIATRIST ON TUESDAY....I HAVE TO TELL THEM MORE OF THE THINGS I HAVE DONE, WHICH MAKES ME REALLY NERVOUS. I HATE TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. and when people are trying to figure out whats wrong with me, it makes me more nervous becaz what if they find something really bad. i dont know i am weird, maybe i shouldnt worry maybe thats my problem?
WHOA!! GIANT BEE JUST FLEW IN HERE!
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Friday, June 15th, 2001

Subject:rather then fix the problem they never solved them it makes no sense at all
Time:4:19 pm.
you know, there are so many problems i have never solved. i pretend things are better, but really their not better. i dont know. my friends are a great help though. like megan has the same issue as me, so we are trying to quit together, and beckie too. and then bill yells at me. and alex does kung fu on me. and kyle said he would smack me if i do again. caz he saw the fith one. and got pissed. i just want you to know i am getting help for it, dont worry unless it becomes a big problem, then you have permission to worry
i just love you guys. and i hope i see you this summer. but kyle is going to be skateboarding this whole summer. that dork. orion i love ya, hope to see you this summer.
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Time:3:44 pm.
hey man, i cant have ne1 at my dads now. not even for a litttle bit. that sucks.
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Thursday, June 14th, 2001

Subject:kristin got l ucky
Time:9:23 pm.
yeah i am at kristins. we walked to that parking lot to see orion and his friend carl. well kristin thought that he was really cute and then he gave her his number, and now shes gonna call him. we were bothering this kid (5th grade) and orion and carl were making so much fun of him, and making him fall off his bike. (walmart bike, or sorry i meant to say sears) those two are really funny together, me and kristin were laughing so hard. man well we are watching "love&basketball" so i am gonna go, TaTa!!
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Wednesday, June 13th, 2001

Subject:CONDOM EYE!!!
Time:7:27 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
well mike has a girlfriend now. yeah claire. i am not being jealous, i used to have some feelings left for him before, a while ago. but now i have nothing left for him. i gave him a great friendship, he even told me i was his best friend becaz i understand. well fuck him, we get into one fight and i write this incredibly nice note to him telling him that i was wrong, that i am sorry, i hope he doesnt stay mad at me, and excepts my apology. well he told austin that he didnt even want to see me, talk to me, or hear about me nemore. so thats on him.
TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!
yeah today i went to kyles with mike surber-mike warren-billy smith, we went to mcdonalds, back to kyles, then they walked me to orions at 3, me and orion hung out on his porch until 5, then jay came home we went down to his room while i supervised him cleaning it. then we walked to this place, then to beckies, and hung out with her. well i am gonna go now, megan is here, and we are gonna go party!! HARD CORE YEAH!!!
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Tuesday, June 12th, 2001

Subject:tired
Time:5:02 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
i am tired, all of a sudden i got sick. i was just sitting in my moms car and started to feel dizzy, and everything was hazy, and then i threw up all over.
today was a good day. a very nice day. even though alot of stuff would have normally made it a crappy day, but orion came to my home!! and we hung out, it was fun.
i am feeling sick right now, so i am going to go!~ TaTa~
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Monday, June 11th, 2001

Time:7:02 pm.
everytime things are looking up for me thingd get worse. i didnt say anything about ande, all i said was that he hurts me when i always apologize, and he says im talking shit. now we will never be better, and once again its all my fault. maybe i will go kill myself, make everyone happier. make everyone feel better after this problem is removed from their precious lives. nothing i say matters anyways. i try to be better, i try and i try. but everything isnt working, my effort is worth nothing. im always failing at everything.
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Sunday, June 10th, 2001

Subject:getting better, moving on
Time:7:32 pm.
im doing pretty good, considering this weekend was so close to being hell. well i went shopping with alex, and slept at her house, it was cool. well i better go. tata
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Saturday, June 9th, 2001

Time:8:58 pm.
im leaving now, ryan and alex are coming to get me, then ryan is gonna drop me and alex off at her house. my mom and rick are gone, i wish i could have more money to go shopping, but i have 45$. thats enough to get what i want. i have to get a poster, a bracelet, and earings, then whatever is left is for me. i might get orion a present, but i might wait until tuesday...caz yeah. its a secret, but nothing like what you might be figuring, nothing kinky or dirty. trust me, but it is something that has to do with another person who will be getting a surprise also.
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Subject:this is the last time i try
Time:5:08 pm.
i cried and i begged, and i was told to shut up
all i ever wanted was to be excepted by the people i love
he told me i mean nothing
i am not worth being alive
he made me cry
he made me die
i thought i might have had some purpose
i thought maybe i should be alive, maybe there is someone out there that wants me here
i apologized over and over
but i am never forgiven, i am never listened to
i try to hard, i try so hard to be what you guys want me to be
i wake up someone i am not
i am not the person i used to be
i lost my life a long time ago
they moved away, they left me
i am left out in the cold
i was crying this whole year
i was reaching out for you
i was calling to you
you can say i dont care
i am dumb
you can say i was wrong
you can tell me that i am stupid, that i dont know what i am talking about
i know, believe me i know whats going on inside my head
you dont know whats going on
they dont know, they can take me away, they can tell me it will help
the only thing that would help me is is i got back what i lost
give me back my pride, my life
i feel unwanted all the time'
i am busy, i am not here, i am with him
i am not going to talk to him maya, i dont care
i dont care about you, your lying again
you are on that stuff again maya
we cant trust you, we cant unlock the cabinets
fuck you maya, we dont want here, go to megans or something
fuck you maya, why dont you just kill yourself, it would make the world so much easier for me

well fine
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Subject:Sunny days are good to wake up to!
Time:10:21 am.
Mood: mellow.
good morning all. i am so lazy today. i feel pretty good though, im in a nice mood. I am probably going to get in a fight with my mom, i can just feel it. shes not home right now, we were suppposed to watch a movie, but shes not here, and then she has to give me a ride to kyles, but shes not here. gosh!
i am so glad orion isnt mad at me. i thought he was, but it just turned out he is just concerned and doesnt really understand why i would do some things. i love him so muh for caring though.
ALEX AND BECKIE care alot to, they yelled at me and threatened me with their confu. i love them too.
SUMMER IS COMING YAY! i think i am going to go have that interview today at ruffalos.
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Friday, June 8th, 2001

Subject:orion and alex
Time:8:46 pm.
i am sooooo sorry orion. i love you way to much to be mad at you, i hope you are not mad at me. i feel so incredibly bad, and i hope you dont hate me now. i want you to understand what is wrong with me, and i want to explain it to you, but we never have the time alone to talk...but on tuesday we can. i hope you except my apology and see how much you mean to me, and that i would be totally lost without you. if it werent for you and my good friends, i would probably not be alive. but since i care about you guys so much i keep going and moving on. i wish that i could be as happy as you guys want me to be, i try so hard to be that person for you. but sometimes i just cant. i try to be as nice as possible when i just want to cry all the time for no reason. and i try so hard to always be there, but i cant for some reason.
ALEX, i love you, and i know you are a little down right now, but i want you to know that i care, and i am so glad you could call me and talk to me about it. it made me happy to know that someone out there does realize how much i care. i love ya!
Orion, i love you soo much please dont be upset with me!!!!
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Subject:confused
Time:4:13 pm.
i am so sad and confused that i am thinking about doing something that i know would be a bad decision. i will jut wait it out and see if things get any better. today i should have just rode the bus home. but instead i walked with kyle and orion. which was a bad idea, i was ignored for some strange reason, and i am so pissed right now, and i am sick and tired of being ignored by everyone. if someone really cares about a person you dont ignore them, and you dont make things worse for them when they are at one of the hardest points in their life. i am feeling so bad about nothing all the time, but when orion the one person that makes me happy besides alex, megan, and kyle....starts to get mean to me and make me feel more bad then i already do, it really hurts. i know i did nothing i know i was trying my best to be nice when i wanted to yell. i am not at fault for nething this time, if someone wants to tell me that i am mean, that i am a bad person then they can stay out of my life, i dont want them in it nemore. i feel this way about alot of people right now, becaz no i dont want attention, and i dont want to talk about my problems, but i dont think i should be ignored and that i should be made unhappy and sad and mad by other people that mean the most to me. i always end up in relationships that hurt me, and now i am in one right now. i think that must be my fault, so i will say sorry, sorry for ever making mistakes, sorry you always assume i am mad, sorry i am so horrible, and sorry you all hate me, but most of all i am sorry for being me.
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Thursday, June 7th, 2001

Subject:umm, cracker
Time:5:09 pm.
i am at megans right now. she cares, you know i am dumb. i always say i dont have many friends, but look at alex, megan, kyle, jake, orion, beckie, kristin, Dan, mikeS, mikeG, mikeF (sometimes) Chris, BILL, and so many more people. i am lucky, so ande and jenn get mad at me, that doesnt mean everyone hates me, i know why i am like this "green pills" oh my. better go
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LiveJournal for maya.

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